Open letter to the UK Secretary of State for Agriculture

From the gloriously titled "The Tyke and Poacher Times", UKIP's Yorkshire and Lincolnshire newsletter, it reads as if I have read it before but none the less quite enjoyable for that.

Dear Sir,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, received a cheque for £3000 from the government for not rearing pigs. I now wish to go into the ‘not rearing pigs business.’

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all Government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1422 in 1968, until this year when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. Then I can afford to buy an aeroplane.

Another point. These pigs I plan not to rear will not eat 2000 tons of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear?

I am also considering the not milking cows business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the Government information on set-aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual-reality fields?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course vote for you at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Anon

Oh Lord

Sometimes I just despair
Thank God the World cup is in Germany not Belgium, because if this anything to go by I shall be hiding under a chair for most of the tournament.
A classic dose of charm, beauty, class and taste.

Thanks Englishman

Sane French comment on the student situation.

From Reuters

The Archbishop of Paris, Andre Vingt-Trois, said in a speech to students starting out on a pilgrimage that he understood young people were looking for security but this was difficult.

"Honestly, I do not believe that anybody can guarantee you this security, no more than guarantee that you will have a standard of living comparable to your parents," he said.

Apart from wondering whether this fellow is a far eldr brother of Outkast, I wonder. he was widely tipped to get a cardinal's red hat in Benedict's first round of promotions. It appears that he must try harder. Thus this rather sane and conservative statement.

Behind the hype of the Summit

Back to the summit.

The roads around Euroville in the Quartier Cinquintinaire of Brussels are clogged tonight with limos, the bars full of shipped in hacks from the political desks of papers and the electronic media of most of the Continent. And they all seem to be covering two things.
Chirac’s hisssy fit about the English language and “Economic Patriotism”

Here are some of the headlines that are currently gracing the net.
Chirac Boycotts Start of EU Summit to Protest Use of English
Chirac leaves summit as Frenchman speaks English
Chirac protests against French executive speaking English

Etc.

And
Economic nationalism row hangs over EU summit
EU summit: Verhofstadt slams protectionism plan
Prime Minister Vanhanen rebuffs Italy on protectionism complaint
Will Spring Summit overcome "protectionist winter"?
EU economic meeting stalls on protectionism
Blair seeks end to EU 'nationalism'

And so on ad infinitum. Of course this is all smokes and mirrors. The real business is only now drawing to a close - dinner. There were three ministerial posts present at tonight’s shindig. Each went to join their compadres to have private dinners.
The political leaders to laugh at the wit of Chirac, commiserate with the polling of Berlusconi and to quietly laugh at Blair’s current predicament. The economics ministers went of to continue the row about protectionism that has been bubbling along nicely for a while, and the foreign ministers. Now what are they here to talk about.
Well it is pretty simple really, what is happening at that dinner is the agreement that they will all work together to get the Constitution back on track. Whilst the press pack are getting their knickers in a twist over Chirac’s lack of manners and hammy petulance the real work of integration continues out of the spotlight. Nowhere in the press have I seen reference to this meeting.
But put it this way they will be putting together a deal that states that if 4/5ths of the EU member states have ratified by the Spring Council meeting, this time next year then they will consider the Constitution ratified.
This will give them leave to introduce al manner of aspects of the Constitution right through the front door.
Can’t happen, you say. It would be against the rules, you might say, indeed it would be against the law. All too true, but only two years ago people like me were saying that it would end like this, whilst supporters of the Constitution pooh poohed our point by saying that legal guarantees were provided by the requirement for unanimity. Now look what is happening, supports of the project are claiming that it has already been ratified as “over half the countries of the EU have ratified it”, yes I mean you Mssrs. Corbett, Chirac, Merkle, Verhofstadt and others, whilst us sceptics are left pointing to the law saying, “No, No it says here in the treaties that you need unanimity”.
Protection in European law, fiddlesticks, European law to the federasts are like words to Humpty Dumpty, it means what they want it to mean. Just think ofthe Stability and Growth Pact.

Immigrant contracts

In the rather dull but twee Pomerainian resort of Heiligendamm (Holy Church?) there has been a meeting of what the FT describe as the G6 interior ministers. (Why all this G10, G8, G7+1 etc? In this case they are referring to the six largest countries in the EU).
It appears that following a suggestion by Sarkozy they are all considering an "integration contract", by which immigrants to those countries would be required to learn the language of the host country or risk expulsion.
Our own ponderous bearded monster Charles Clarke weighed in, saying that, "he supported the move towards an integration contract, initially by asking experts from the G6 to review comparable procedures used in member states. He acknowledged that such an agreement could be used as a check that “new immigrants live up to the values of our society”, with expulsions a possible consequence if they do not".

Which is all very well, but hold on a moment. The problem in Britain is made up largely of recent immigrants from within the EU, mainly from the newer eastern countries. Indeed the figures suggest that 400,000 will have arrived on our shores by the second anniversary of accession at the beginning of May.
I somehow doubt that he will be making these demands of Bulgarians and Romanians when they arrive, nor of Poles and others now.
This is of course all in a line with the governments proposed points system for immigrants from non-EU nations, which will require immigrants from the Commonwealth, who have greater historical and in many cases cultural ties with the UK, but just happen to be coloured, to jump through smaller and higher hoops to gain entry into the UK, whilst eastern Europeans have a free pass.
Make these demands of all immigrants, certainly. Stack the dice against non-Europeans, no way.

Childishness thy name is Chirac

Reuters are, of course covering the European Council of Ministers summit here in Brussels and have come up with this rather typical snippet.
It appears that the French delegation were having a press conference,
"A French official said Chirac, Foreign Minister Philippe Douste-Blazy and Finance Minister Thierry Breton left the room when Ernest-Antoine Seilliere, head of the UNICE business group, spoke in "the language of business" -- English.

Chirac returned after Seilliere, former head of the French employers' federation, had finished and sat through another Frenchman, European Central Bank President Jean-Claude Trichet, addressing the leaders in French".

Brussels hotel policy

One of the most self satisfied hotels in Brussels is the Hotel Art Siru. Its publicity puff goes on about it as a "showcase of Contemporary Belgian Art, between 1989 and 1990, the Comfort Art Hotel Siru gave free rein to the imagination of 130 painters, sculptors and comic-strip draughtsmen to turn its 101 rooms into as many paintings and in the process turn this property into the first "museum-hotel" in the world".

However it cannot be described as children friendly,


"Pets policy

Children welcome"

Dip anybody mention piss ups and breweries?

Email received at 11.34 this morning

"Dear Colleagues,

The people in Belarus have begun to light candles as a symbol of silent protest against the prevailing dictatorship in their country on the 16th of every month.
In the light of the presidential elections next Sunday, we kindly request that you light candles in your appartments, houses, and offices today at precisely 16.00, to express our support for democratization of Belarussian society.

The flickering candles symbolize hope for a new life and a new beginning, for freedom and democracy. It will be a beautiful and powerful gesture of European solidarity with Belarus.

Thank you,

Peter Šťastný
Zita Pleštinská
Milan Gaľa"

Prompting the following response at 12.17

"The Security Unit would like to remind all users of our buildings that the rules on safety proscribe the lighting of candles in all rooms in the EP.

Flames are a potential fire risk and several interventions have already taken place by the fire services".

So what are they for?

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Josep Borrell, that all the parliaments should be consulted. The European Parliament, as part of its well funded campaign to resuscitate the European Constitution and simultaneously make itself terribly important in the eyes of its peers is organising an inter Parliamentary meeting on St Schuman day.
The invitation to the Palace of Westminster was sent to the execrable Lord Falconer. I have his thank you letter in front of me now.
It makes bizarre but revealing reading. For two days the Brussels parliament will be filled with 140 national European parliamentarians (plus a couple of Turks) who will be having drinks and jollies with their MEP compadres.
What will be the result of all this mutual back slapping?
Let’s read Falconers letter,
“I am also pleased to endorse the basis on which it is proposed to be held. It is particularly helpful to see that there is no suggestion that the meeting should be invited to produce conclusions of any kind”.
So let me get this straight. Hundreds of thousands of pounds are being spent on a consultation exercise which has, as its prime objective no possible result.

Diplomatic Lapse

In a taxi last night with a couple of Austrian diplomats, thoroughly good eggs it seems with a rather raucous sense of humour. Indeed the felt it necessary to attempt to self censor when the jokes got onto, shall we say, 'gender issues'.
Diplo 1: "That's not very pc"
Diplo 2:"No but we are with him (Mr Harvey that is), he would probably get sacked if he was pc, when in a Roman's taxi and so on"
Diplo 1:"Oh alright then".

My faux pas came whilst discussing the successful Freedom Party petition to get a debate on having a referendum on Turkey, the European Constitution and European Union membership. The FPO had managed to collect 258,277 in seven days to trigger the debate. Both of the diplos' accepted that if there were to be a referendum on the Constitution in Austria it would have been heavily rejected. However I pointed out that the people have not been consulted and Austria had ratified through a vote in the Nationalrat.
"You know", I said, "only one vote was cast against the Constitution, which was a more complete 'Yes' vote than that same institution's vote in favour of the Anschluss where I think 4 brave members voted against".
"We don't talk about the Anschluss in Austria".
"No, what is it that you are talking about? I don't understand".

Oooops

Academic rigour denounced

Dr Gorg Mifsud Chircop is the leading academic folklorist in Malta. He has written dozens of worthy pieces on the folklore of that island, and is the organiser of the Ritual Year Conference on behalf of the International Society for Ethnology and Folklore. So one might assume that his bona fides are pretty solid.
So imagine his horror and amazement when he was forced to apologise for a number of ancient Maltese proverbs which he was discussing in an academic seminar.
He was using the proverbs to illustrate his point that the Catholic Maltese use the word ‘Alla’ to define God, after hundreds of years of Muslim influence on Malta. He was trying to explain the contradictions and confusions and Islamaphobia inherent on the island since the Great Siege of Malta (1565), when 592 Knights Hospitaller and a couple of thousand Maltese militia defeated an Ottoman force of 30,000.
When he got to this point in the paper he was reading, “‘Alla hanin, Muhammed hanzir’ – (God is merciful, Mohammed is a pig)” about 20 North African academics started shouting at him that he was abusing the prophet, some stormed out. As Dr. Chircop said “I honestly didn’t expect them, as academics, to be so sensitive, It’s a pity because it means that even at an academic level, there cannot be a free and objective analysis.”
Dr Chircop was forced to apologise and the University of Malta censored the reports of the seminar to remove all references to the proverb.
What makes this story interesting is that it took place, not in the fevered atmosphere of the post cartoon debate, not even in the post 9/11 world but six years ago.

Naughty Naughty

Bobby wheelock is going to get in to some sort of trouble. In the meantime . Go and chuckle

Alright then, I am paranoid

Am I the only one who is a tad concerned about the new RFID (Radio Frequency Indentification Devices) Policy for Europe? I do hope not. After a year in which data retention legislation was assed in the European Parliament we now the execrable Viviane Reding burbling at a major conference in Hanover about the Commission’s new consultation on the electronic tagging technology.
Given that Commission Press Releases are normally bland to the point of ennui the following is quite something, “But their power to report their location, identity and history also raises serious concerns about personal privacy and security”. You could say that.
A couple of years ago I heard that the Commission was developing an RFID chip with Toshiba and a couple of German funds that could fit into a €50 note. When I spoke to the companies press officer they got very huffy about it but would not deny the project. The Commission refused to talk.
The kit itself really is pretty clever. At one recent Tesco trial the tags embedded in the packaging of Gillette M3 razors activated cameras that photographed the customer at the shelf and again at the checkout. An admirable tool to combat shoplifting no doubt, but… but…
If truth is to be told I don’t trust governments. This technology, undoubtedly clever and effective it may be, logistics, just in time ordering and all sorts of other applications spring to mind. Then the government gets involved. The discovery last week that the new UK driving licence is to be biometric is an example. The Lords through out the requirement to pay for a biometric ID card when you renew your passport – hah then that is no problem your honour, Mr Clarke will just ensure that your driving licence has all those little details upon them.
Now with EU wide RFID “ambient networks” or “internet of things” where almost everything you buy or own or use is talking to each other I get a little concerned. The Commissions phrase “But RFID devices will also pervade the Government sector (e.g. eGovernment, national defence and security)” sets me thinking, anmnd I don’t like the way that that appears to be going.
What was particularly interesting about Mrs Reding’s comments was the pretence (as usual – q.v. enlargement, constitution etc) that this consultation would be about producing a “bottom-up consensus on RFID” in the EU. The problem is that if the general public have fears about the technology, and its privacy and democratic risks, then the Commission would “answer the “unreasonable fears”. That is they have a;lready decided what they want and this consultation is, as normal, a fix. The fact that she announced the consultation whilst simultaneously telling us the “the EU and US had reached an agreement to collaborate over interoperability and privacy in October”, does rather prove that the decisions have been made.
In the interests of my own peace of mind I have signed up for two of the Commission’s RFID workshops,
· RFID Application domains and emerging trends: RFID offers promising application potential in many domains - pharmaceuticals, health, agriculture, transport, logistics, security and more. This workshop should identify these application domains, prioritise them and formulate recommendations: e.g. what can be done to assess the needs, and to define guidelines on the use of technology in these domains?
· End-user/consumer issues: Work will include re-assessing the need to revise the e-privacy directive in relation to RFID; the ethical implications of RFID; the acceptability of technological approaches to build trust – with a special focus on privacy and authentication (tag to reader, reader to tag, reader to network); and to enhance security (there is no privacy without layered security).
Interestingly these workshops were announced last Thursday. The first took place Monday and Tuesday.Which is a shame because I missed this fascinating disertation,
"- Dr. Françoise ROURE, Conseil général des technologies de l'information
From digital object identification to digital identification of people".

I will keep you posted on what I learn

Balkan States have the right idea.

Recent polling done in Bulgaria, Croatia and Romania suggests that their people are perfect for EU accession. The polling carried out by the Austrian Lazarsfeld Center for the Social Sciences tells use that 54% of the Bulgarians, 57% of Romanians and 66% of Croatians say that corruption would not declined over the first five years after their country joins the bloc. Which given how they themselves would be bringing great expertise on the subject to Brussels would not be a great surprise. After all competition invariably drives up quality.

Cold wind blows into Europe

After the latest figures out of Austria which has the EU popularity down to 32% now we have new figures out of Finland. A poll carried out by the Finnish think tank EVA, chaired by the owner of Nokia, Jorma Ollila has found a massive hike in euroscepticism up north.
33% In favour of EU Membership(42% it one year ago)
31% against (23 in 2005)
44% against the euro, against 39% in favour.

Though these headline figures have been reported elsewhere – most notably on AFP – there are less known aspects of the survey that are just as encouraging. Despite feeling that Globalisation has not helped Finland that much itself, the Finns are still largely approving of the phenomena, “The Finns see the effects of globalisation in a fairly positive light. This is especially true with respect to the phenomenon´s impact on the world as a whole, and on the less-developed countries in particular”.
The reasons however for their comparative distrust of the effects of globalisation in Finland are effectively summarized, “news referring to globalisation usually involves redundancies and plant closures in Finland, as production is moved to low-cost countries”. The Finnish media like our own can only see one side of the story. It is far easier for them to talk about a single large scale job loss as a firm say relocates, rather than the many individual jobs that are created.

Meanwhile the Austrian situation could get even more problematic for the EU, as it currently holds the EU Presidency. The Freedom Party, now without the populist Haidar and begging to look like a serious party has just launched a referendum campaign on EU membership. The campaign called "Österreich bleib frei" - Keep Austria free, is definately playing on Austrian fears of Turkish entry, but the campaign also condemns the European Constitutiona nd the creation of a European Defence Force in contravention of Austria's historical post war neutrality. With the polling figures so dicey for EU supporters there is no guarantee that the FPO will not be able to find the 100,000 signatures needed to trigger the referendum. Though a succesful referendum result only has the effect of putting the issue onto the Parliament's agenda it would be a brave Austrian government to utterly ignore the results. Again one has to recognise that the Austrian Parliament's support for the Constitution was greater than its support for Anschluss so I suppose we can expect them to ignore popular will. What happens next is anybody's guess.

An Elephant in the Womb

I have just finished Andrew Robert's magisterial, and short, book on the battle of Waterloo, and a splendid rendition of the events it is. I must recount two specific points, one a criticism, and one a superb anecdote.
The criticism is that Robert's continues to talk about Belgian troops. Which is an odd anachronism, seeing as how there was no such place as Belgium at the time of the battle, and wouldn't be for another 15 years. Indeed the French speaking troops in the allied force had been serving under Napoleon less than two years before the battle. (As had many of the Dutch speaking troops for that matter).
The anecdote however deserves to be quoted in full. Prince Gebhard von Blücher, the seventy three year old Commander in Chief of the Prussian army was an impressive fellow, going by the nickname of "Marshal Vorwärts". However he had a couple of issues,

"Not everything about Blücher inspired confidence, however, since he suffered from occasional mental disturbances, including the delusions that he had been impregnated by an elephant and that the French had bribed his servants to heat the floors of his room so that he would burn his feet. The Prussian high command nonetheless exhibited a commendably broad/minded attitude towards these disorders; their army chief of staff General Gerhard von Scharnhorst wrote that Blücher 'must lead though he has a hundred elephants inside him'.