Monday, January 07, 2008

Corporate deafness

Normally I would prefer to be spoken to by a human rather than a machine when dealing with utilities. But when the human acts like a machine one wonders, Lifted in full from A Miracle of Rare Device,

Today I had the fifth call in the last fortnight from my good friends at British Gas. They were asking for money again...

Me: 'Hello'

BG: (pregnant pause..cunting predictive dialler) 'allo meester *****'.

Me: 'Is this call from India?'

BG: 'I am calleeeeng from Breetish Gas'

Me: 'Is this call from India?'

BG: 'Yes'

Me: 'Please find me somebody with first language standard English, preferably a supervisor. I don't want to spend the next hour repeating my address very loudly and slowly'.

BG: 'M...'

Me: 'Now please!'

BG: 'Hello Sir I am a supervisor, we are calling a you for immediate payment of the £627 you owe on your gas account. Do you have a debit or credit card handy?'

Me: 'Is this regarding (address)?'

BG: 'Yes sir'

Me: 'This property burned down in June of this year, as I have informed you at least half a dozen times. So this is for estimated usage yes?'

BG: 'That is correct sir'.

Me: 'For a property that doesnt exist?'

BG: 'Yes sir'

Me: 'Tell me again why I should be paying this?'

BG: 'I must accept immediate payment in full sir'

Me: 'You must accept that you are a cretin who doesn't seem to understand the idea that one doesn't pay for utilities that have not been used'.

Me: 'I have given you a final meter reading, why are we still having this conversation?'

BG: 'We have attempted to confirm reading but have been denied access to the property'.


BG: 'Im still going to have to take payment'.




Me: 'FUCK OFF, CUNT, CUNT, CUNT!!' (Hangup).

Fucking British Gas.

HT Timmy

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